when did i become a codependent shell of a person. i used to be my own favorite company. now i cant stand being alone with just myself. its scary and confronting. I’m confused. I’m lost. I’m lonely. so extremely lonely. have a gone too far too fast? did i run away with my heart and throw myself into the soul of another? i find it hard to meditate. i find it hard to do yoga. to fully get into it and be alone with myself. feel everything that i feel. figure out what is truly bothering me. what truly scares me. what i need. what i lack. what my heart aches for. because lately it seems to ache a lot. there’s a deep pain. theres a deep darkness that i feel creeping up. I’m alone. I’m alone all the time. I’m vulnerable. I’m scared. so scared. have i made the right choices? am i where I’m supposed to be.
i want to scream. i want him to understand. i want him to be with me. am i being crazy? have i invested too much and somehow lost pieces of myself? i have no answers. all i know for sure is how my heart aches for him when he’s not here. am i too deep? its terrifies me to think about.
Above is unedited. I wrote that while hysterically crying, about…nothing. I’m going to go ahead and blame the hormones. I was home alone (for only about 45 mins) and just starting crying for no reason. I couldn’t figure out why, but it was all I wanted to do.
Tom had gone to a friend’s house, after spending the entire morning with me at the beach. I wasn’t even alone for that long. It felt like a wave of sadness came over me and I couldn’t stop it. Tom had to come home to calm me down because nothing I did helped.
Reading what I had written afterwards confused me. It’s funny how strong emotions can be, and how important it is to not act upon them. To take a step back and really think about how you feel. Now, I definitely believe that our emotions are valid, but we do not always know the reasons why at the time. I remember crying and wanting Tom to come home and then my mind started spiraling. And what started as a simple moment of tears, turned into a bottomless pit of negative thoughts. But that’s all they were. Thoughts. And as quickly as they came, they left.
Those thoughts aren’t me. I AM independent. I LOVE being alone. I spend most of the day by myself and I truly enjoy it. The quiet moments. The peace. The calm.
I love yoga and meditation and just BEING.
Yes, I have fears. Yes, I get scared. Yes, I am vulnerable. But those things make me human.
But choosing to find the POSITIVE and the LOVE through it all, is what sets me FREE.
(Moments after I stopped crying, we decided to cook some curry for dinner. The first thing I picked up at the store was this heart-shaped potato! Look for love, it will always find you)