Breakdowns & Potato Hearts

when did i become a codependent shell of a person. i used to be my own favorite company. now i cant stand being alone with just myself. its scary and confronting. I’m confused. I’m lost. I’m lonely. so extremely lonely. have a gone too far too fast? did i run away with my heart and throw myself into the soul of another? i find it hard to meditate. i find it hard to do yoga. to fully get into it and be alone with myself. feel everything that i feel. figure out what is truly bothering me. what truly scares me. what i need. what i lack. what my heart aches for. because lately it seems to ache a lot. there’s a deep pain. theres a deep darkness that i feel creeping up. I’m alone. I’m alone all the time. I’m vulnerable.  I’m scared. so scared. have i made the right choices? am i where I’m supposed to be.

i want to scream.  i want him to understand. i want him to be with me. am i being crazy? have i invested too much and somehow lost pieces of myself? i have no answers. all i know for sure is how my heart aches for him when he’s not here. am i too deep? its terrifies me to think about.

Above is unedited. I wrote that while hysterically crying, about…nothing. I’m going to go ahead and blame the hormones. I was home alone (for only about 45 mins) and just starting crying for no reason. I couldn’t figure out why, but it was all I wanted to do.

Tom had gone to a friend’s house, after spending the entire morning with me at the beach. I wasn’t even alone for that long.  It felt like a wave of sadness came over me and I couldn’t stop it. Tom had to come home to calm me down because nothing I did helped.

Reading what I had written afterwards confused me. It’s funny how strong emotions can be, and how important it is to not act upon them. To take a step back and really think about how you feel. Now, I definitely believe that our emotions are valid, but we do not always know the reasons why at the time. I remember crying and wanting Tom to come home and then my mind started spiraling. And what started as a simple moment of tears, turned into a bottomless pit of negative thoughts. But that’s all they were. Thoughts. And as quickly as they came, they left.

Those thoughts aren’t me. I AM independent. I LOVE being alone. I spend most of the day by myself and I truly enjoy it. The quiet moments. The peace. The calm.

I love yoga and meditation and just BEING.

Yes, I have fears. Yes, I get scared. Yes, I am vulnerable. But those things make me human.

But choosing to find the POSITIVE and the LOVE through it all, is what sets me FREE.

(Moments after I stopped crying, we decided to cook some curry for dinner. The first thing I picked up at the store was this heart-shaped potato! Look for love, it will always find you)


2 thoughts on “Breakdowns & Potato Hearts

  1. It’s crazy how far your mind can go when you’re feeling down. Everything feels so set and deep.. but look at how strong and capable you are of being able to reflect on yourself after your breakdown. It’s is unfortunate that others can’t see past that. Like you said, look for love and it will find you! What a cute little potato to feed your belly and little baby ❤


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